Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
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He who dies with the most toys wins.
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People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
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Paradise is not a place, it's a state of mind.
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Have patience. Everything is difficult before it is easy.
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My only hobby is laziness, which naturally rules out all others.
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You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
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Your body is a temple, but how long can you live in the same house before you redecorate.
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Dear sleep, I know we had problems when I was younger ... but I love you now.
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Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies.
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Pile up enough tomorrows and you'll end up with nothing but a bunch of empty yesterdays.
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Reputation is made in a moment. Character is built in a lifetime.
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The man who stops advertising to save money is the man who stops the clock to save time.
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If hindsight of some women was as good as their foresight, they wouldn't be wearing slacks.
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Morning sex: proven to be more effective than coffee.
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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INSOMNIA = 1:51 A.M. + ETERNITY + 1:52 A.M. + ETERNITY + 1:53 A.M. + ETERNITY
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Good girls go to Heaven. Bad girls go to Vegas.
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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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Life has never given me lemons. It has given me anger issues, anxiety, a love for alcohol and a serious dislike for stupid people. But not lemons.
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