American talk show host (1947- )
Don't use your bedroom for work, unless you're a prostitute.
DAVID LETTERMAN
"Top Ten Sleep Recommendations From The National Sleep Foundation", Late Show with David Letterman, February 3, 2015
Mary Keitany from Kenya won the women's race at the New York City Marathon. You can tell she was fast because guys on the street didn't even have time to finish their catcalls.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, November 3, 2014
The new Dennis Rodman doll is $19.95, assault and battery not included.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, Biteback Dictionary of Humorous Sporting Quotations
The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Dec. 18, 2012
The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.... I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Sep. 8, 2011
You'll never catch a nudist with his pants down.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Little Book of Humorous Quotes
Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, December 18, 2014
I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, December 16, 2014
President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Great Quotes for All Occasions
They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Biteback Dictionary of Humorous Political Quotations
You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, August 27, 2014
If it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.
DAVID LETTERMAN
"Letterman Lets His Guard Down", Esquire, December 1994
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Mar. 20, 2012
A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn't that golf?
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, December 12, 2014
Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, November 14, 2014
Paul Revere had a time capsule. They opened it up after a couple of hundred years, and guess what they found? A stack of love letters from Barbara Walters.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, January 7, 2015
New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, November 7, 2014
British Petroleum said today that if this spill gets worse, they may have to start drilling for water.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Night with David Letterman, 2010
Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Night with David Letterman, March 5, 1993
Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Biteback Dictionary of Humorous Political Quotations