Notable Quotes
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I always compare marriage to communism. They're both institutions that don't conform to human nature, so you're going to end up with lying and hypocrisy.

BILL MAHER, Rolling Stone, Aug. 24, 2006

Hollywood isn't your cesspool, America. It's your mirror.

BILL MAHER, Real Time with Bill Maher, Feb. 25, 2005

Well, the American public always wanted to vote for a guy — and Bush was the perfect guy — who they'd want to have over for pot-roast. And George Bush is that guy. He does that well. You'd like to have him over for pot-roast. He reminds you of yourself. Okay. Well, now he's been over, he's had the pot-roast. But he's getting drunk and now he's talking about stem cells and Terri Schiavo and gay marriage. And now he's the guest that won't leave.

BILL MAHER, Real Time with Bill Maher, Apr. 29, 2005

[George W. Bush] has balls. And he's a leader. Unfortunately his balls and leadership are in the service of shitty ideas. We need his balls on someone who thinks right.

BILL MAHER, Rolling Stone, Aug. 24, 2006

New rule: If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.

BILL MAHER, Real Time with Bill Maher, Feb. 17, 2006

On the show, I do a very serious thing. And a lot of people have a hard time reconciling that with what I'm going to do after the show. They can't get it into their heads: "How can he be talking to Madeleine Albright one minute and then somebody half his age...." They're just jealous. But I never made any bones about it. I am a player. Always have been.

BILL MAHER, Rolling Stone, Aug. 24, 2006

You know, the only place in America where the millionaires and billionaires are predominantly liberal is here in Hollywood.

BILL MAHER, "The Great Thing About Having Been Poor," HuffPost, Mar. 1, 2012

Death is the monster we all fear, yet with each day, we walk toward it, and can't help doing so; we can't help but walk toward the one thing we're most trying to avoid.

BILL MAHER, "On Being Over 50," HuffPost, Oct. 3, 2011

The great thing about having been poor is how liberated it makes you if you eventually become rich. There's nothing like the knowledge that you don't need money to survive. That the money cushion you lie on every night doesn't have to be three feet thick, and you can still get to sleep.

BILL MAHER, "The Great Thing About Having Been Poor," HuffPost, Mar. 1, 2012

When it comes to religion, we're not two sides of the same coin, and you don't get to put your unreason up on the same shelf with my reason. Your stuff has to go over there, on the shelf with Zeus and Thor and the Kraken, with the stuff that is not evidence-based, stuff that religious people never change their mind about, no matter what happens.

BILL MAHER, Real Time with Bill Maher, Feb. 3, 2012

If you're keeping score at home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they have cheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U.S. serviceman for being gay. I don’t know how you get to the right with this crowd but Ron Paul’s new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound of children laughing.

BILL MAHER, Real Time with Bill Maher, Sep. 23, 2011

Until someone claims to see Christopher Hitchens' face in a tree stump, idiots must stop claiming that atheism is a religion. There's one little difference: Religion is defined as the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, and atheism is -- precisely not that. Got it? Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position.

BILL MAHER, Real Time with Bill Maher, Feb. 3, 2012

When Van Jones called the Republicans assholes, he was paying them a compliment. He was talking about how they can get things done even when they're in the minority, as opposed to the Democrats, who can't seem to get anything done even when they control both houses of Congress, the presidency, and Bruce Springsteen.

BILL MAHER, "New Rule: Float Like Obama, Sting Like Ali", Huffington Post, September 11, 2009

It shouldn't be a bragging point that "Oh, I don't get involved in politics," as if that makes you somehow cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.

BILL MAHER, When You Ride Alone You Ride With Bin Laden

Faced with our addiction to oil, what does our leadership say? Get more of it! Strange when you consider their answer to drug dependence is to cut off the supply.

BILL MAHER, When You Ride Alone You Ride With Bin Laden

The Democrats have moved to the right, and the Republicans have moved to a mental hospital.

BILL MAHER, "Republicans, religion and the triumph of unreason", The Independent, August 19, 2009

Men are only as loyal as their options.

BILL MAHER, attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes


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