psychologist & author (1944- )
It's remarkable how many couples can precisely describe their particular pattern of painful fighting, and claim to be helpless to change it.
HARRIET LERNER
Twitter post, October 30, 2014
The miracle is that your children will love you with all your imperfections if you can do the same for them.
HARRIET LERNER
attributed, Mothering Without a Map
Wherever you find a wife and mother-in-law slugging it out, you'll find a son who's not speaking up to either his mother or his wife.
HARRIET LERNER
Twitter post, December 27, 2014
Whole-hearted listening is the greatest spiritual gift you can give to the other person.
HARRIET LERNER
Twitter post, April 16, 2014
It's a cliché, but also a deep truth (as cliché's tend to be), that you can't love another person very well if you don't love yourself.
HARRIET LERNER
"The Top 10 Reasons Women Re-Marry The Wrong Guys", Huffington Post, July 7, 2012
People marry with a deep longing that their partner will tend to their wounds, not throw salt in them. Honor your partner's vulnerability.
HARRIET LERNER
Twitter post, November 2, 2014
Request an apology when you believe you deserve one, but don't get in a tug of war about it. Instead, be a role model and tender a genuine apology yourself when an apology is due. Your willingness to apologize can be contagious and models maturity for your partner. Also, your non-apologizing partner may use a nonverbal way to reconnect after a fight, defuse the tension, or show you he's in a new place and wants to repair a disconnection. Accept the olive branch however it's offered.
HARRIET LERNER
"Waiting For an Apology? Don't Hold Your Breath", Huffington Post, January 5, 2012
Relationships are most likely to fail when we don't address problems or hold our partner accountable for unfair or irresponsible behavior ... the ability to clarify our values, beliefs, and life goals--and then to keep our behavior congruent with them--is at the heart of a solid marriage.
HARRIET LERNER
Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up
Intimate relationships cannot substitute for a life plan. But to have any meaning or viability at all, a life plan must include intimate relationships.
HARRIET LERNER
attributed, Words of Women: Quotations for Success
If you pursue a distancer, he or she will distance more. Consider it a fundamental law of physics.
HARRIET LERNER
"12 Simple Steps for a Sustainable Marriage", Huffington Post, January 11, 2012
Kids want nothing more than for all the important adults in their life to get along.
HARRIET LERNER
Twitter post, December 24, 2014
Many people value criticism in the early stage of a relationship, but become allergic to it over time. Remember this: No one can survive in a marriage (at least not happily) if they feel more judged than admired. Your partner won't make use of your constructive criticism if there's not a surrounding climate of admiration and respect.
HARRIET LERNER
"12 Simple Steps for a Sustainable Marriage", Huffington Post, January 11, 2012
If you treat man as he appears to be, you make him worse than he is. But if you treat man as if he already were what he potentially could be, you make him what he should be.
HARRIET LERNER
Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up
I'm a good example of wanting to apologize only for my precise share of a problem--as I calculate it, of course--and I expect my husband Steve to apologize for his share, also as I calculate it. Since we're not always of one mind on the math, it can lead to the theater of the absurd.
HARRIET LERNER
"Waiting For an Apology? Don't Hold Your Breath", Huffington Post, January 5, 2012
Whatever your sex fantasy is with your partner, consider it normal.
HARRIET LERNER
Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up
Through words we come to know the other person--and to be known. This knowing is at the heart of our deepest longings for intimacy and connection with others. How relationships unfold with the most important people in our lives depends on courage and clarity in finding voice.
HARRIET LERNER
The Dance of Connection
The rush of sexual attraction can act like a drug and blur our capacity for clear thinking. This can lead us to distance ourselves from our friends or even abandon our life plan for someone who couldn't otherwise be relied on to water our plants and feed our cat.
HARRIET LERNER
"The Top 10 Reasons Women Re-Marry The Wrong Guys", Huffington Post, July 7, 2012
Fear is a message--sometimes helpful, sometimes not--but often conveying critical information about our beliefs, our needs, and our relationship to the world around us.
HARRIET LERNER
Fear and Other Uninvited Guests
In long-term relationships ... we are called upon to navigate that delicate balance between separateness and connectedness ... we confront the challenge of sustaining both--without losing either.
HARRIET LERNER
The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships
You can't evaluate a prospective partner if you insulate your relationship from your family and friends--and his.
HARRIET LERNER
Twitter post, February 19, 2014