funny quotes & quotations
Thank you leaf blowers, for making me look like the world's lamest Ghostbuster. I am not afraid of no leaves.
JIMMY FALLON
The Tonight Show
It's spring break! Just remember, the partying lasts a week, but the photos will cost you jobs forever.
JIMMY FALLON
The Tonight Show, March 15, 2018
You can live to be 100 if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be 100.
WOODY ALLEN
attributed, The 2,320 Funniest Quotes
The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.
OSCAR WILDE
Lord Arthur Savile's Crime
Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
LOUISE BEAL
attributed, The Little Book of Humorous Quotes
When I was born, I was almost fourteen years old. That's why I was able to understand more easily than most what it was all about.
EUGENE IONESCO
Jack
Life begins at 40--but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person three or four times.
HELEN ROWLAND
attributed, The 2,320 Funniest Quotes
For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to say married, get two.
RAY ROMANO
stand-up routine
If I won the award for laziness, I'd send somebody to pick it up for me.
ANONYMOUS
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
MARK TWAIN
editorial, Hartford Courant, Aug. 24, 1897
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
YOGI BERRA
Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense.
HELEN ROWLAND
Of course Santa is dead, you force a guy to eat a billion cookies in one night, what do you think is going to happen?
JIMMY KIMMEL
Jimmy Kimmel Live, October 5, 2017