RITA RUDNER QUOTES
American comedian (1953- )
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?
RITA RUDNER
attributed, Oh Baby, I'm Having a Baby!
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
When I met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.
RITA RUDNER
official website
I thought AAA was an organization for really bad alcoholics.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
Well, the old theory was "marry an older man because they're more mature". But the new theory is "men don't mature -- marry a young one".
RITA RUDNER
Best of the Improv, Vol. 3, 2003
Buying something on sale is a special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it's worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
It's typical of the differences in a man's life and a woman's A man is allowed to wear boxer shorts that tickle his knees. A woman has to wear a slingshot.
RITA RUDNER
I Still Have It ... I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It
I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
Every once in a while I say something in the wrong rhythm and they don't laugh, I think: 'Oh my gosh, I'd better pay more attention'. It's like tightrope walking -- you have to keep your balance, you have to keep concentrated and you can't phone it in because the audience will sense it. I have to visualize my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night.
RITA RUDNER
interview, The Jewish Chronicle, May 12, 2011
Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
My mother was the worst cook ever; in school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
Fame for fame's sake is a completely empty experience. Fame should be a by-product (and not necessarily a good one) of achieving something extraordinary.
RITA RUDNER
I Still Have It ... I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle ... it wasn't mine.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
If I go into a hospital, I want to come out looking younger.
RITA RUDNER
Tickled Pink: A Comic Novel
Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act. Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half so you just make the best of it.
RITA RUDNER
interview, Huffington Post, March 18, 2013
We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well your career is going.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine