American author (1842-1914)
Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -- who has no gills.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
LABOR, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
WITCH, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
Along the road of life are many pleasure resorts, but think not that by tarrying in them you will take more days to the journey. The day of your arrival is already recorded.
AMBROSE BIERCE
"Epigrams of a Cynic"
Respirator, n. An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in its passage to the lungs.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary