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I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.

ELAYNE BOOSLER, standup routine

Divorce is probably of nearly the same date as marriage. I believe, however, that marriage is some weeks the more ancient.

VOLTAIRE, Philosophical Dictionary

A 99-year-old man is filing for divorce from his 96-year-old wife, making them the world's oldest divorced couple. It's got to be weird when a divorce lawyer is fighting for your kids to get custody of you.

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Jan. 4, 2012

Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest.


So many persons think divorce a panacea for every ill, who find out, when they try it, that the remedy is worse than the disease.


Marriage is grand. Divorce is about twenty grand.

JAY LENO, The Tonight Show

You know, that's the only good thing about divorce; you get to sleep with your mother.


The best advice I have for other parents going through a divorce is that the kids need to know that both of their parents are good people. It's easy to set the example of kindness and love and respect when the things are good. So if you can do that when things are hard, and wholeheartedly support their relationship with the other parent--you're showing them a certain kind of resiliency.

BRADLY WHITFORD, Good Housekeeping, Jul. 2010

The real wonder is that anyone stays together, as impossible to live with and as broken as we all are.

KYRAN PITTMAN, Good Housekeeping, June 2011

A new study found that women gain more weight after marriage, but men gain more weight after a divorce. Yeah, the divorce usually takes place after men point out that women gained more weight after marriage.

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Aug. 30, 2011

There is a rumor that seven states are considering overpruning as a cause for divorce, second only to incompatibility and adultery. I hope our state is one of them. No judge would dare deny me freedom after he heard the story of my privet hedge.

ERMA BOMBECK, Forever, Erma

In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find and continue to find grounds for marriage.

ROBERT WOODRUFF ANDERSON, Solitaire: Double Solitaire

They ought to do away with divorce settlements. Instead, both parties should flip a coin. The winner gets to stay where he or she is and keep everything. The loser goes to Paraguay.


The power of divorce can be given only to those who feel the inconveniences of marriage, and who are sensible of the moment when it is for their interest to make them cease.

MONTESQUIEU, The Spirit of Laws

Many a woman would get a divorce if she could do it without making her husband happy.

EVAN ESAR, 20,000 Quips & Quotes

I harbor ill feelings toward a society, and a clergy, that allows marriage partners to split over the smallest incompatibility, where divorce comes in a multitude of flavors, like Baskin Robbins ice cream, where men and women can blame one another and everything except themselves for matrimony's mess. They look for externals over which they have no control and, fingering them, take no responsibility.

ROBERT DYKSTRA, She Never Said Goodbye

The obvious effect of frivolous divorce will be frivolous marriage. If people can be separated for no reason they will feel it all the easier to be united for no reason.

G. K. CHESTERTON, The Superstition of Divorce

Divorce isn't such a tragedy. A tragedy's staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.


Divorce is the key that opens the strongbox where the bonds of matrimony are kept under wedlock.

EVAN ESAR, 20,000 Quips & Quotes

Why did we divorce? I guess you could say we had trouble synchronizing. You know that carnival ride where two cages swing in opposite directions, going higher and higher until they go over the top? That was us. We passed each other all the time, but we never actually stopped in the same place until it was time to get off the ride.

DIANE HAMMOND, Hannah's Dream

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks but a divorce is something you always have.

WOODY ALLEN, attributed, The Little Giant Encyclopedia of Toasts & Quotes

The snag about marriage is, it isn't worth the divorce.


The easiest way to get a divorce is to be married.


Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.

CRAIG FERGUSON, American on Purpose

The three chief causes of divorce are men, women, and marriage.

EVAN ESAR, 20,000 Quips & Quotes

Divorce is the result of a lack of preparation for marriage and the failure to learn the skills of working together as teammates in an intimate relationship.

GARY CHAPMAN, Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married

My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years.

LEE TREVINO, attributed, Golf List Mania!

I doubt if there is one married person on Earth who can be objective about divorce. It is always a threat, admittedly or not, and such a dire threat that it is almost a dirty word.

NORA JOHNSON, attributed, Women Know Everything!

Divorce is like cutting off a gangrened arm to save the rest of the body.

DAVID KNOX & CAROLINE SCHACHT, Choices in Relationships

The divorced person is like a man with a black patch over one eye: He looks rather dashing but the fact is that he has been through a maiming experience.

JO COUDERT, Advice from a Failure

Going through a divorce is like having every aspect of your life played back. Anything you have mishandled or regretted is talked about by everyone as they try to figure out who was right and who the innocent party really is. The comfort you once experienced is gone completely. There are many choices for new comfort, but most of them have no value except introducing new addictions or pounds of fat or guilt.

KANDACE COOPER, Journey to Meadowbrook Lane

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