If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you" to dessert that night. And for what?!

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are unemployed.

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.