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It would be hard to conceive of any activity more useless than stamp collecting.

DAVE BARRY, Dave Barry's Bad Habits

What Dad means by "see" of course, is "drive past at 67 miles per hour." Dad feels it is a foolish waste of valuable vacation time to get out of the car and actually go look at an attraction.

DAVE BARRY, Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need

Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

DAVE BARRY, 25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

DAVE BARRY, attributed, The Ultimate Book of Quotations

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

DAVE BARRY, Dave Barry's Stay Fit and Healthy Until You're Dead

I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.

DAVE BARRY, Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, But Some Actual Journalism!

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

DAVE BARRY, attributed, Sporting Wit: Athletic Wisecracks and Champion Comebacks

Guys care about sports teams. I'm not talking about simply rooting; I'm talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows.

DAVE BARRY, Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "How in a free country such as this, can we ban video games and golf, yet continue to permit stamp collecting?"

DAVE BARRY, Dave Barry's Bad Habits

Americans did very little ski jumping until the television program "Wide World of Sports" began showing a promotional film snippet in which a ski jumper hurtles off the edge of the chute, completely out of control, with various important organs flying out of his body.... Fitness buffs saw this and realized that any activity with such great potential for being fatal must be very good for you, so the sport began to catch on.

DAVE BARRY, Dave Barry's Stay Fit and Healthy Until You're Dead

I never could get into traditional hobbies, like religion or stamp collecting. I mean, the way you collect stamps is: Every week or so the Postal Service dreams up a new stamp to mark National Peat Bog Awareness Month, or whatever, and you rush down and clog the Post Office lines to buy a batch of these stamps, but instead of putting them to a useful purpose such as mailing toxic spiders to the Publisher's Clearing House, you take them home and just sort of have them. Am I right? And then the biggest thrill, as I understand it, the real payoff, comes when you get lucky and collect a stamp on which the Postal Service has made a mistake, such as instead of "Peat Bog" it prints "Beat Pog," which causes stamp collectors to just about wet their polyester pants.

DAVE BARRY, Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first primitive umpire.

DAVE BARRY, Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

There's nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that when you finally see what goes on underwater, you realize that you've been missing the whole point of the ocean. Staying on the surface all the time is like going to the circus and staring at the outside of the tent.

DAVE BARRY, attributed, Morning Mercies, June 30, 2015

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

DAVE BARRY, Dave Barry Talks Back

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

DAVE BARRY, Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.

DAVE BARRY, as quoted in Just Grandparents


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