DAVE BARRY QUOTES

U.S. author & humorist (1947- )

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Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

DAVE BARRY

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Guys care about sports teams. I'm not talking about simply rooting; I'm talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows.

DAVE BARRY

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But I do think we need to explore the commitment problem, which has caused many women to mistakenly conclude that men, as a group, have the emotional maturity of hamsters. This is not the case. A hamster is MUCH more capable of making a lasting commitment to a woman, especially if she gives it those little food pellets. Whereas a guy, in a relationship, will consume the pellets of companionship, and he will run on the exercise wheel of lust; but as soon as he senses that the door of commitment is about to close and trap him in the wire cage of true intimacy, he'll squirm out, scamper across the kitchen floor of uncertainty and hide under the refrigerator of Non-Readiness.

DAVE BARRY

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You may have gone to college and learned how to solve all of society's problems, but when you get out in the real world, nobody ever asks you to how to solve all of society's problems. In the real world, what people ask you are questions like: "Can you make coffee?" and "Where's the rent money?"

DAVE BARRY

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The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

DAVE BARRY

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You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

DAVE BARRY

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The Constitution of the United States of America, Article V, Section 1: "There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia."

DAVE BARRY

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I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

DAVE BARRY

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In the words of a very famous dead person, "A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test."

DAVE BARRY

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Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

DAVE BARRY

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There was a time when the human race did not have technology. This time was called "the 1950s." I was a child then, and it was horrible. There were only three TV channels, and at any given moment at least two of them were showing men playing the accordion in black and white.

DAVE BARRY

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The best way to learn Japanese is to be born as a Japanese baby, in Japan, raised by a Japanese family.

DAVE BARRY

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If someone is nice to you but rude to the waiter, they are not a nice person.

DAVE BARRY

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A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.

DAVE BARRY

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If, when you appear at the breakfast table, your wife laughs to hard that she spits out her toast, you should consider wearing a different tie.

DAVE BARRY

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I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

DAVE BARRY

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What, exactly, is the Internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a "modem" can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo.

DAVE BARRY

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The remote control had 48 buttons. No resident of the Old Farts Senile Dying Center knew how to operate it. They were the Greatest Generation, men and women who had survived the Depression, defeated the Nazis, built America into the greatest nation the world had ever seen. But this damned gizmo had beaten them.

DAVE BARRY

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When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

DAVE BARRY

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As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

DAVE BARRY

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